Friday, June 29, 2007

The Girls' on a Journey

I had never been particularly fond of my breasts. I’m not going to tell you why. Telling you would paint too vivid a picture of the girls in your mind, and, quite frankly, you don’t need to have that picture in your mind. The hubs is a breast man (isn’t it funny how men are breast men, leg men or butt men?), and it took a great deal of effort on his part to convince me that the girls were good, fine, fabulous, in fact. Now, I don’t have a true disdain for them, as I once did.

Long ago, my dear friend, Leslie, told me about the pencil test. Have you heard of this? She’s an x-ray tech and does mammograms for a living, so I trust her judgment on all things relating to the girls. The pencil test goes like this: you put a pencil under your breasts and if the pencil falls immediately to the floor, you’re in fine shape when it comes to perkiness. When the pencil stays under the girls, you’ve got a problem. When I was first informed of the pencil test, I took it and passed with flying colors. Then….

Three years ago, I got pregnant, and thus began the girls’ journey that ended last weekend. In July 2003, before I could even pee on a stick, I knew I was pregnant. I knew because the girls started itching. Itching, you might be asking yourself. Yes, they started itching, and not just a little twitch of ithchiness - no no – full blown, no relief in sight, itchiness. It was pure misery! They have never itched before, so I knew it had to be a sign of pregnancy – sure enough, I was right. I have decided they itched because they were growing. Part way through my pregnancy, I picked up the book Baby Bargains; it was full of suggestions for the pregnant mom and parents to be. One suggestion was surrounding the ever expanding size of the girls. It said, you are going to need new bras to accommodate their increasing girth, so go out and get some. However, buy nursing bras so that you don’t have to by bras when pregnant, then turn around and buy bras to nurse. That was just the cheap-skate advice I was looking for. I proudly walked into Motherhood, armed with the knowledge that I was making a good financial decision. The sales associates at Motherhood were horrified that I would even consider buying nursing bras for pregnancy. They were certain that I needed their special maternity bras and their special nursing bras. I held my ground and bought just nursing bras, much to their sincere disappointment that I would not be dropping another $100. Anyway, all that being said, it turned out to be a very wise decision on my part. Long live the nursing bra for pregnancy right through the end of nursing.

I nursed Timmy for a year; needless to say, I was ready to be out of nursing bras. When I stopped nursing, I embraced my old bras like friends I hadn’t seen years – only to find out my friends had betrayed me, just like the girls. The bras were snug, not only in band size, but in cup size. Here are the thoughts that raced through my head: What just a minute here! How can this be??? I’m done nursing, so these should slip right back on and do their job. Horror of all horrors – I decided to do the pencil test again – I failed miserably. The pencil stuck; not only did it stick, it didn’t even move a fraction of an inch! Crap!!! Now, I have to get new bras. At that point, I remembered that my friend Heather was singing the praises of a bra that Oprah claims as her favorite bra . Wonderful, I’ll try that one. That bra was no where to be found in my area, so I guessed at the size and bought one on ebay. That’s right folks, I bought my bra on ebay. It was too big, but it got the job done. I bought a second one a size smaller, and it fit very well. The second one became the primary bra. That primary bra held out for a year! Then, it failed me one day at work when the wires came poking out under one of the girls – damnnnnnn that hurt! It happened only a couple of hours into the work day, so I suffered with it all day. I spent a month walking around with a very old and very stretchy bra supporting the girls, then decided enough was enough.

I called my dear friend Paula and told her my tale of woes, and asked if she wanted to go with me to get a bra fitting. We spent the better part of a half hour complaining about the girls and their place in our little worlds, then she agreed to what we both assumed would be pure humiliation. At Victoria’s Secret , in a mall about an hour away, we asked the sales clerk, who was the size of my pinky finger, for a fitting. She took us back to the dressing room area and took out her tape measure. Guess what…it wasn’t humiliating at all; she did it right over my shirt, then proceeded to give me a cup size that nearly made me fall over but would make my husband rejoice! I tried on the bras at Victoria’s Secret, then nearly passed out when I saw they wanted $48 for just one bra. Gone are the days when I was single and bought multiple bras and matching panties from Victoria’s Secret. I can’t afford $48 for just one bra – not going to happen. I thanked the woman for her time and for the fitting, then headed to the store at the other end of the mall that was promoting their buy 2 bras get 2 bras free sale – yep, that’s my kind of sale, and just at the right time.

At the end of their journey, the girls are doing fine and are back where they belong, although they still do not pass the pencil test and have lost all hope of ever passing it again.


MamaLee said...

I can't even remember if I ever passed the pencil test, thank you mom. Floppy titties runs in the family.

And now for something completely different..


Melissa R. Garrett said...

Hee hee!! I still pass the pencil test; although I was barely an A cup to begin with (sad, I know). However, Bridget has stretched my nipples from here to there and back again. Oy!

Toni said...

Pretty sure I could use a whole 24 pack and fail- my girls are big, and they like to hang around, keeping my toes warm!

Can you share your pear martini recipe?? I need another drink!

Toni said...

are you try to tell me that you aren't going to waste your valuable time hunting it down? I wish you would so I could just copy and paste then print out a nice little list for the liquor store! ;)

Toni said...

I found it!!!!

Rebecca said...

I failed...not sure if it is because of my boobs or the big giant ball os fat hanging underneath them - oh wait, that's my stomach!! UGH!!!!!!

Jenny said...

I just had the boob conversation with my hubby last night! And I'm an x-ray tech, so I was telling him about the pencil test. If you fail (as I most certainly did), it's called Cooper's Droop. That particular ligament is no longer doing it's job holding the girls up where they used to be. Sad when the girls are only a B cup too.

I told him that after all the babies and breastfeeding, I want new boobs. He said no, mine are fine. I guess I'll just have to rely on good bras. Looks like I'll be going for a fitting eventually too.

Glad you found your size and some new bras. Sounds like you're headed in the right direction - up!! :o)

Elle said...

LOL I wouldn't pass it either. I couldn't keep a rolling pin under there! LOL. vive le saggy boobies!

Dana said...

A month ago, there was no way I could pass, but today? I pass with flying colors! Thanks Doc!

Jenny said...

Glad you got fitted and found your correct size- I've heard that most women are wearing the wrong size, and have no idea! Lord and Taylor is also another good place to go for bras- they have a good selection, and they're doing bra fitting events from now until the end of the month, so they might even have some deals.